posted on 12/4/2013 by the Salt City Sinner
Bored on a snowy day? Pestered by persistent political perfidy? Looking to limber up your worldview or sprout a proud rack of plenti-pointed paranoias? I have just the fun time activity for you!
Think of this post as “interactive” in the sense of a Choose Your Own Adventure book or a dice-and-paper role playing game. Indeed, you will need dice to play this game, which we'll call “Could It Be Or Couldn't It.” CIBOCI will require two six-sided die (or 2d6), the type you can find in any Yahtzee box or dusty old Monopoly set. In a pinch, one could theoretically use the fuzzy dice from one's rear-view mirror, as long as they roll and have six sides.
|warning: there is a not inconsequential risk this may happen|
All righty, at this preliminary stage we must separate the goats from the lambs, so to speak, so CHOOSE YOUR OWN INTRODUCTORY SECTION. Those of you who are rational/material types, or purely in this for The Chuckles, go to Section A. Hippies, weirdos, mystics, occultists, revolutionaries and conspiracists sneak on over to Section B.
The purpose of Could It Be Or Couldn't It is to demonstrate that conspiracy theory clearing houses like Breitbart, Alex Jones' Prison Planet, or TheBlaze, can write outrageous, hit-generating, eyeball-hogging headlines and churn out endless content by suspecting any and every entity currently or historically extant on Planet Earth of plotting to suck out your precious bodily fluids and/or brain waves. To prepare for this game, put on some Pat Boone and get a golf pencil and a piece of paper, if you need them. We're going to manufacture some shadowy nonsense!
The purpose of Could It Be Or Couldn't It is to open widely one's bleary third eyeball and increase the flexibility of one's worldview in an effort to prepare oneself for the awful truth behind the conspiracies (real and imaginary) that shape the “reality” pulled over our eyes. Or something. To prepare for this game, mix one part soil from Brigham Young's grave (easier if you are in Salt Lake) with one part pure grain alcohol, two parts Underground liqueur and two parts Diet Mountain Dew. For future reference, incidentally, I refer to this cocktail as the 'Temple Squared.' Grab a golf pencil and a piece of paper if necessary. Okay, we're ready to play!
The first part of the game is ridiculously simple. Roll each die one time, and jot down the results if you like.
First die: 1.) The CIA 2.) FEMA 3.) The NSA 4.) Google 5.) shadowy federal contractors 6.) “The Russians”
Second die: 1.) tapping the phones 2.) sneaking misinformation into my medical records 3.) preparing plans (“just in case”) to poison key elected officials in the U.S. 4.) deeply infiltrated by Communists 5.) deeply infiltrated by agents of global finance 6.) watching me during sexytime.
Now... Combine! Here, folks, is the framework I want you to embrace: ________ is/are ______ . That's right – you have just been ripped a shiny new worldview (pro bono)!
GROUP B: marvel at how clever you are to have generated such an amusing conspiracy (unless you had the bad luck to draw a real one). See if you can pitch the idea that the CIA is run by Communists to Breitbart. At the very least, you should be able to milk a guest blogger gig at Infowars out of it.
GROUP A: follow the instructions of Group B, but with this caveat: for about a week, adopt your conspiracy belief completely. Slip it on like a terrycloth bathrobe and stroll around the cavernous corridors of possibility. You win this fun game when you develop a flexible enough set of internal frames of reference that they form a stately drawbridge across which, say, MKUltra can trip-trap, but which slams indignantly shut when presented with the idea that there is a feminist plot to infiltrate men's testicles with gamma radiation through grocery-store tofu.
|for advanced players only|
Wasn't that fun? No? Well, you get what you pay for.
And now, having introduced this fun game, I shall vanish like the Cat in the Hat, leaving behind a little more terror, confusion, and anarchy in my wake. Pay careful attention to coded marketing language this holiday season (for “fun”)!