Sunday, 6 April 2014

Joe Farah and Ray Comfort Prove Definitively That Jesus Is God



posted on 4/6/2014 by the Salt City Sinner

Sometimes a well-reasoned argument, in the hands of a skilled and compassionate conversant, can and does change minds – even lives.

While current psychological research shows that I have a better chance of lifting an X-Wing out of the swamps of Dagobah with the Force than I do of changing someone's mind with evidence and logic it is not technically impossible, and two lovable Evangelical knuckleheads have pulled off the not-technically-impossible.

Banana enthusiast Ray Comfort, via Old Testament prophet Joe Farah, has this completely sensical and provocative question for all of you wrongly-godded heathens:
Why do people use Jesus’ name when they curse? 
I'll wait for a moment while you clean your brains up off the wall and scoop them back into your head. Mind un-blown? Great! Let's continue:

The follow-up question is why – why Jesus’ name?  
lmost always the respondents are stumped. They don’t know.  
[In his video, Comfort] then asks [passers-by] if they ever use any other name in this way. Do they ever utter the name Muhammad as curse? How about Buddha? Or Allah? Or any other name considered holy by others? 
The answer is always no. 

In the interest of full disclosure, if I found myself buttonhooked by Ray (or his best buddy Kirk Cameron) for one of his little Gotcha Videos, I would be “stumped” by the question as well. Maybe flummoxed. Possibly gobsmacked.

Of course, I'm willing to bet that the fact that the United States is over 80% Christian, and that most of us grew up in a broadly Christian culture – if not an actual Christian home – might have something to do with it. I'd also bet that if Comfort played his little Jesus-flavored prank in a country that is NOT predominantly Christian, he might get different results.

Just rolling with Farah/Comfort's logic here, though, I'm wondering which variation on Jesus' name that I personally have used while swearing is most indicative of my secret Christianity. “Jesus Dogballs Christ?” “Jesus t*tty-f*cking Christ?” My good friend Kyland's beloved variation, “Jesus Skygod Christfather?” That last one has a certain ring to it, to be sure..

In this same column, Joe Farah repeats his previous SLAM DUNK PROOF that Jesus is Lord – namely, that the calendar we use is divided between Before Christ and Anno Domine. The fact that many different cultures use many different dating systems is obviously of no importance, keep moving, nothing to see here.

With this type of intellect at WND's helm, I can't wait for their hard-hitting investigative stories and scintillating opinion columns regarding stepping on a crack and breaking your mother's back.

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

!!SINNER EXCLUSIVE!! -- Four Mia Love Congressional Action Items Revealed


Posted on 3/18/2014 by the Salt City Sinner

Salutations, brothers and sisters!

As you may have heard, Mia Love has officially filed her papers to run for Utah's Fourth Congressional District in a bid to replace Jim Matheson, who will not be seeking re-election to an eighth ( ! ) term. Love is the former mayor of Saratoga Springs, and rose to national attention when she tossed some red meat to the good folks at the 2012 Republican National Convention. That same year, she ran against Matheson for his seat in the 4th and narrowly lost.

In the past, Salt City Sinner has outlined her thoughtful and very sane budget plan, and even endorsed her for Salt Mine Grand Vizier, so it was not entirely a surprise when one of Love's staffers – writing under the nomme de faux MakerNotTaker1776 – leaked an advance copy of four action items Love intends to immediately pursue upon election (in appreciation for this HOT HOT HOT tip, Salt City Sinner has buried a payment of US $1,000 – in solid gold Ron Paul doubloons – at the standard drop point at the corner of State and Main in Salt Lake City).

MNT76 has confirmed that once Love dances a neat boogaloo over the broken, smoldering, and desecrated bones of Democratic candidate Doug Owen, the following will top her agenda.

#1 -- SEAL THE BORDER

As Mia Love states on her website, we must seal the border, “not just for the purpose of preventing illegal immigration, but also to stop the flow of illegal drugs, illegal weapons, and possible terrorism [sic] from entering this country.” Mia Love is a realist, and knows exactly how to accomplish this task. Love has studied the 1990 Kevin Bacon documentary “Tremors,” and its numerous sequels.

border security that has teeth in it

She is confident that the best way to ensure that no drugs-and-weapons toting terrorists cross our southern border is to immediately deploy animal husbandry teams to begin breeding ferocious Graboids in the desert wastes. Soon these “undocumented immigrants” (terrorists) will be Graboid grub before they even know what hit them!

#2 -- MINIMUM WAGE FOR ALL TEACHERS

a modest notion
Love's educational proposal is focused on results. If teachers are really as important as they claim, and are actually “shaping minds” and “preparing students for our future” (whatever that means), then that should be its own reward. Love supports a maximum compensation package for teachers of the minimum wage, plus any trickle-down dividends (“tips”) that those students may feel inclined to send them once they have grown up, gotten jobs, and become successful citizens, tax-payers, and Republican voters.

#3 -- A HOME FOR THE HOMELESS

dignity and compassion -- hallmarks of the Love approach to politics

Not content to simply eliminate city-level funding aimed at preventing homelessness, Love has a plan to get these scumbags working again. Remember those animal husbandry teams assigned to our southern border to breed vicious, man-eating Graboids? Guess who will (voluntarily or in-) make up those teams? That's right! What's more, taking a page from Sheriff Joe Arpaio's book, Mia will clothe these filthy hobos from head to toe in bright pink scrubs, thus ensuring both their productivity and their humiliation.

Last up in our sneak-peek of the future Representative for Utah's Fourth District:

#4 -- STOP TAXPAYER FUNDING FOR HOMOSEXUAL SATANIST ORGY CLUBS



Like “taxpayer funding for abortions,” “taxpayer funding for homosexual satanist orgy clubs” is a thing that Mia Love firmly believes is real. And we must fight this totally real thing that is actually happening in the real world, with words and laws and, most importantly, attention paid to Mia Love and her budding political career.

Exciting, isn't it? Can't you feel the winds of change blowing? Can't you feel the sleepy rumble of We The People finally throwing off the yoke of Big Government (except when it comes to enforcing the will of our Almighty Father in Heaven regarding your personal choices)?

Strap in, and we at Salt City Sinner will be sure to bring you further updates from our deep cover operative as events unfold!

Monday, 6 January 2014

The Continuing Saga Of Officer Friendly



posted on 1/6/2014 by the Salt City Sinner, with significant contributions from Ørn Hansen

Hey there ho there, citizen, do you have anything to fear but fear itself?

NO? Think harder before you answer. Fear is an industry these days, and to refuse to buy any at all is to raise a skinny fist against Industry itself! Aren't you afraid of terrorists? Aren't you afraid of kids these days, what with their droogs and their moloko vellocet and their anti-sex leagues and their Jesus camps?

One thing that you are surely concerned about is the rogue weirdo, the guy who *isn't quite right*, you know, the guy, THAT guy, the you-think possibly one-day armed maybe office shooter?

Well you can look Officer Friendly in the face(plate) and ask “am I safe?” and he will grip his riot gear tighter to himself and answer “No.”

Then he'll squint at you and growl "wait, you aren't 'safe,' are you?!" and kneel on your throat until he can zip-tie you until submission.

(c) (lol, no)

My friend Ørn Hansen has an anecdote to share:

Today I went to an "active shooter" training for work, where we learned about how to avoid dying by the hands of a mass shooter at the university. It was presented by a cop, of course.  
At the end of the presentation I asked him: 
"I'm wondering how to process all of this information as an actual need for survival, and I'm wondering how prepared an hour training will actually make us in these situations. The video we watched even admitted that we are more likely to get struck by lightning than be involved in a mass shooting and even less likely to be a victim of a mass shooter, but we're not going to have a lightning strike training, even though it'd be statistically more relevant. 
"In fact, we're more likely to be shot and killed by you, 8x more likely in fact [ * ], than any mass shooter or any so-called terrorist. So, do these trainings actually work or provide any vital information, or do they just inspire us to be paranoid and walk around fearful of one another, or snitch out people whose behavior doesn't conform to our preconceived notions of what people in civil society act like, but who most likely don't mean anybody any harm?" 
He was not stoked to be asked that [ ** ], or to be outed as a more likely source of violence. That much was clear. He stammered through a response that basically said, "oh, but I'm here to protect you all and so I'd never shoot you blah blah blah." And then called for another question. Then he left pretty quickly after the training. #acab #ftp
Police violence is not something that most of us hear presentations about in school or at work (after all, who would offer them? communists? ANARCHISTS?!).

I would never urge you to fear Officer Friendly simply upon sight (social conditioning has already done half of that job for him), nor would I urge you to turn a blind eye to scary behavior by someone you know, at work or at home.

Violence and how to respond to it is something we all should learn about in a balanced way, and that balance has to include a discussion of police violence in its various forms. One little brush with the law – say, legally smoking wacky tobacky in Colorado weeks before even driving through Utah – and your freedom of movement and communication, your physical well being, and, yes, your precious property, can and will be taken from you, if you play your cards wrong.

And gods forbid you do something even more dangerous -- like be mentally ill and fail to comply with orders barked at you by a frightening stranger. Or peacefully #Occupy a park.

actual image from #OccupyOakland


As the Firesign Theater said,
JOE: Ask the cop on the corner...
DC: Ask the cop in the grocery store...
JOE: Ask the cop in the woodpile...
DC: Ask the cop on the rooftop...
JOE: Ask that cop that's knockin' at your back door...
SOUND: Knocking.
DC: Ask him!
BABE: Mr. Policeman? What makes America great? 



*: This remarkable “8 times more likely” statistic is supported by sources on both the right and the left. Indeed, the overmilitirization and aggression of American police is one of those rare issues – like NSA spying – where virtually every American really does agree, if not on a solution than at least that something is very, very wrong.

**: I know this sounds like one of those legendary "TRUE [IDEOLOGY] STANDS UP TO AN AUTHORITY FIGURE" chain emails, but this is straight from Ørn, and, knowing him as I do, he probably did try to metaphorically kick a 2 x 4 up the cop's ass -- and succeed! He is quite handsome and articulate.

Monday, 30 December 2013

My Resignation From Hogwarts



posted on x by the Salt City Sinner

By now, most of you will have heard that I will not be finishing the remainder of this year as your Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor.

Because a number of most hurtful and unseemly rumours have been heard circulating amongst my students, I have kindly been allowed to issue the following clarifications.

You WILL still be expected to pass the extemporaneous written examination on “Contract Law In Norse Mythology And The Origins Of Complex Fraud And Trickster Gods” (I suggest you refer to your notes from class throughout May for the purposes of this exercise -- a three page essay should suffice here) .

The same does not hold true for my one-day lecture on “Faustian Bargains In Goethe And Marlowe,” however, which has been redacted in its entirety. You are required to find and turn in your notes from this lecture.



You will still be expected to perform two simple and one complex banishment(s) to pass your OWLS.

Any lecture notes labeled "Necromancy" are to be turned in to an instructor at once. (As a footnote to this, all students who participated in my voluntary extracurricular 'Dead Tapdancers Society' are required to report to the infirmary immediately – be assured this will be treated with the utmost discretion) The section of the examination previously marked “Blood Magick” is not to be discussed, and will be replaced by a brief multiple-choice review of the history of the muggle black market in magical items.

Speaking of which, any students who were present during Show and Tell on the equinox please see the above instructions regarding the infirmary. Until you can see a magical/medical professional, keep repeating "there was no shoebox, no little box could hold that much dark."



Allow me to say that it has been my pleasure to serve as your professor for even this brief duration. Please be aware that any attempt to contact me will be viewed by the Ministry as an act of magical terrorism.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Marry Christmas, Utah Gays



posted on 12/23/2013 by the Salt City Sinner

On Friday, U.S. District Judge Robert Shelby struck down the anti-gay-marriage amendment that Utahns passed by a large majority in 2004, effectively legalizing same-sex marriage in Utah. 

The ensuing flurry of activity befits the Beehive State, whose word is "industry," after all. Same-sex couples immediately began snagging their marriage licenses and tying the knot by the hundreds, with some even waiting overnight on Sunday to get their licenses when offices opened this morning.



Predictably, Gary Herbert, our dour, doughy Governor, released a flotilla of legal maneuvers, all of which have failed as of the afternoon of December 23rd, the day before the day before the holiest day of conservative Christian pouting, indignation, and public piety. 



Perhaps the most interesting wrinkle in these proceedings has been the decision of some county clerks – indeed, some counties in their entirety – to flat-out refuse to issue licenses to same-sex couples. A few conservative Mormons I know have applauded this act by low-level government bureaucrats; more than one have compared the decision by Judge Shelby to the infamous (in Utah) Edmunds-Tucker Act. 

A quick overview: in the late 19th century, the “lifestyle choices” of most LDS Utahns included polygamy, which rubbed the Federal Government very much the wrong way. To deal with the threat that the US Government thought that the LDS church posed, they brought the hammer down – hard. 

Among other things, the Edmunds-Tucker Act required an anti-polygamy oath of voters and elected officials in Utah, disincorporated the LDS church, disenfranchised women ( ! ), and amended inheritance laws. For any Thin-Skinned Christian Crybabies, allow me to point to the ETA as a genuine, bona-fide example of what religious persecution by the government REALLY looks like. 

The Edmunds-Tucker Act also marked the moment when, in my opinion, any insurrectionist or explicitly Utopian/separatist tendencies in the LDS faith had their spines and internal organs mortally crushed. Before Utah decided (as much as one can decide literally at gunpoint) to join the United States, Mormons had a surprisingly subversive culture that included collective ownership of some resources and suffrage for women*. Indeed, the journey of the Mormon church from 1890 to Mitt Romney is, in a way, the story of the very last Christian faith to come into the “traditional marriage” fold, and is also the story of a faith's journey from potentially revolutionary force and persecuted minority to a (sometimes depressingly) mainstream entity. 

The inside-out logic that allows some right-wing Mormons to compare allowing people to mary to banning a religious practice and (effectively) trying to crush that religion is hard to follow: it reminds me of Paul T. Mero's famous deadpan assertion that “polygamist marriages, although plural, were between one man and one woman.” (no, seriously) Anyway, as a friend of mine pointed out, the clerks sticking it to the gays in Cache and Utah Counties might need to revisit their Mormon scripture, notably Article of Faith 12, which states that “We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.” (emphasis mine) Despite some grinches in clerk's clothing, it has been a stunning weekend before Christmas in Utah. 

Marry Christmas, gays!

*: I do not in any way believe that the way early Mormons ran Utah was ideal. The LDS Church's opinions about women, minorities, etc. were terrible.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

A Fun Game To Play At Home



posted on 12/4/2013 by the Salt City Sinner

Bored on a snowy day? Pestered by persistent political perfidy? Looking to limber up your worldview or sprout a proud rack of plenti-pointed paranoias? I have just the fun time activity for you!

Think of this post as “interactive” in the sense of a Choose Your Own Adventure book or a dice-and-paper role playing game. Indeed, you will need dice to play this game, which we'll call “Could It Be Or Couldn't It.” CIBOCI will require two six-sided die (or 2d6), the type you can find in any Yahtzee box or dusty old Monopoly set. In a pinch, one could theoretically use the fuzzy dice from one's rear-view mirror, as long as they roll and have six sides.

warning: there is a not inconsequential risk this may happen

All righty, at this preliminary stage we must separate the goats from the lambs, so to speak, so CHOOSE YOUR OWN INTRODUCTORY SECTION. Those of you who are rational/material types, or purely in this for The Chuckles, go to Section A. Hippies, weirdos, mystics, occultists, revolutionaries and conspiracists sneak on over to Section B.

Group A

The purpose of Could It Be Or Couldn't It is to demonstrate that conspiracy theory clearing houses like Breitbart, Alex Jones' Prison Planet, or TheBlaze, can write outrageous, hit-generating, eyeball-hogging headlines and churn out endless content by suspecting any and every entity currently or historically extant on Planet Earth of plotting to suck out your precious bodily fluids and/or brain waves. To prepare for this game, put on some Pat Boone and get a golf pencil and a piece of paper, if you need them. We're going to manufacture some shadowy nonsense!

Group B

The purpose of Could It Be Or Couldn't It is to open widely one's bleary third eyeball and increase the flexibility of one's worldview in an effort to prepare oneself for the awful truth behind the conspiracies (real and imaginary) that shape the “reality” pulled over our eyes. Or something. To prepare for this game, mix one part soil from Brigham Young's grave (easier if you are in Salt Lake) with one part pure grain alcohol, two parts Underground liqueur and two parts Diet Mountain Dew. For future reference, incidentally, I refer to this cocktail as the 'Temple Squared.' Grab a golf pencil and a piece of paper if necessary. Okay, we're ready to play!

Instructions

The first part of the game is ridiculously simple. Roll each die one time, and jot down the results if you like.

First die: 1.) The CIA 2.) FEMA 3.) The NSA 4.) Google 5.) shadowy federal contractors 6.) “The Russians”

Second die: 1.) tapping the phones 2.) sneaking misinformation into my medical records 3.) preparing plans (“just in case”) to poison key elected officials in the U.S. 4.) deeply infiltrated by Communists 5.) deeply infiltrated by agents of global finance 6.) watching me during sexytime.

Now... Combine! Here, folks, is the framework I want you to embrace: ________ is/are ______ . That's right – you have just been ripped a shiny new worldview (pro bono)!



GROUP B: marvel at how clever you are to have generated such an amusing conspiracy (unless you had the bad luck to draw a real one). See if you can pitch the idea that the CIA is run by Communists to Breitbart. At the very least, you should be able to milk a guest blogger gig at Infowars out of it.

GROUP A: follow the instructions of Group B, but with this caveat: for about a week, adopt your conspiracy belief completely. Slip it on like a terrycloth bathrobe and stroll around the cavernous corridors of possibility. You win this fun game when you develop a flexible enough set of internal frames of reference that they form a stately drawbridge across which, say, MKUltra can trip-trap, but which slams indignantly shut when presented with the idea that there is a feminist plot to infiltrate men's testicles with gamma radiation through grocery-store tofu.

for advanced players only


Wasn't that fun? No? Well, you get what you pay for.

And now, having introduced this fun game, I shall vanish like the Cat in the Hat, leaving behind a little more terror, confusion, and anarchy in my wake. Pay careful attention to coded marketing language this holiday season (for “fun”)!

Thursday, 14 November 2013

A Guest Post From Joseph Farah



a guest post on 11/14/13 by Joseph Farah, founder, editor, CEO and Grand Wizard of WND

(EDITOR'S NOTE: as should be obvious to most semi-sentient hominids, this is a work of satire. Since Joseph Farah, however, does not understand satire, and has a  history  of suing people -- for Freedom -- this disclaimer is sadly necessary. Mr. Farah was good enough to bring his own hot, scurrying intestinal cargo of ads, for which Salt City Sinner will receive nothing, because we are godless Communists. With no further exposition, we present the very first Salt City Sinner guest post, from the Reveren Doctor Joseph Farah, Newsman, Esq.)

I don't know about you, but Freedom makes me frisky.

Unless it's the wrong type of Freedom. I don't like that, and we didn't like that back when life was simpler, better. I'm not talking about the "freedom" peddled today, which is to say the kind the homos, weirdos, and Muslims want.



Every single morning when the sun peeks through the blinds in Northern Virginia, I scratch my beloved wife and dogs behind the ears, say a prayer to Jeshua bin Josef, the Christ and Savior, and take a deep breath.

Can you guess what that breath tastes like?

Anyone who has followed my  career  knows what it tastes like: Freedom.


If you don't believe me, buy my book.

Seriously, though, buy my book. This book or that one or this special paperback deal. The proceeds help me leave a dish of milk out for Christ Jesus, bim sala bim the Creator G_d, every Shabbat. The dish of milk and armor of the Lord keep the homosexuals out of my house at night.



Back to Freedom.

Do you know what Freedom doesn't taste like?



It doesn't taste like abomination. It doesn't taste like love between “gays.” It doesn't taste like sodomites or those poor, disadvantaged “blacks.” Only WND has reported on this issue. ((SUBSCRiBE HERE))//

I founded WND and have run it since 1997, because I am a real newsman, fearless, brilliant, holy, and modest.

I talked about this issue in my book “Stop The Presses!” Buy my book, because I saw this coming. I saw all of it coming. Repent, because Yahweh has spoken to me. I am a prophet and my words ring in the empty halls of dead and conquered gods like the very voice of the Holy Father of Abraham.

And if you want the real truth, subscribe to my newsletter, buy my books (please buy my books) or listen to WND's numerous podcasts, where we explain how Glenn Beck does my job better than me, even though he's not a real Christian. ( BUY GOLD  / BUY WATER FILERS  /  BUY STOCK IN BLACK HELICOPTERS)