posted on 11/15/2018 by the Salt City Sinner
Utah’s population is quickly growing, due to both our leporine birth rate and a steady influx of new residents from other states. One such incoming resident is Willard Mitt “Mittens” Romney, our new junior senator!
Now, Utah is a unique place, both geographically and culturally, and I worry that Mitt – a native Michigander who went on to become a Bay Stater – is going to have a hard time adapting. Well, one of the first things Mitt is going to learn about Utah is how gosh darned neighborly we are! In that spirit, here are a few things I think he ought to check out, things that will help him to comprehend the buzzing soul of the Beehive State.
Family Dinner At Chuck-A-Rama
As Mittens is stepping into the tattered, ancient house-slippers of Orrin Hatch, what better way to understand the culture of Utah than by dining at Orrin’s favorite eatery?
Whatever clever staffer has been tweeting as Orrin has had great fun with Mr. Hatch’s affection for this venerable Utah family buffet, a place where the beef is always shiny and resplendent, the happy shrieks of children are loud enough to rattle the silverware, and the ice cream flows like wine. Just don’t overdo it or they’ll kick you out. I mean, “all you can eat,” but within reason, okay Mitt?
And I’m afraid they don’t serve your favorite, “hot dogmeat.”
A Night at the Nicklecade
Are the ear-splitting shrieks of sugared children beginning to get to you, Mitt? Well, a change of scenery is in order, then. You may enjoy the ear-splitting shrieks of overexcited children mixed with the electronic shrieks and loud, thumping techno music of the Nicklecade (located in scenic Taylorsville, UT)! For an entry fee plus a handful of tokens, you can pit your wits against incomprehensible, deafening, and brightly lit games of chance and skill! What fun! How exciting! Pass the Excedrin!
Toxic Algae Season (Catch the Fever!)
As climate change gets up to its extinction-level mischief, Utah is regrettably not exempt from the fallout., This is an issue that Willard will have to tackle in the Senate. There are many signs of the disastrous times in Utah, including our ongoing crusade against bark beetles, but as Mitt is famous for his concern for the welfare of dogs, I figured that the toxic algae blooms that now take place in Utah lake might be his preferred issue, since the algae-poisoned water has been known to hurt canines who drink it or swim in it.
I figure Mitt can go on a fact-finding mission to Utah Lake and – perhaps – wrestle the Bear Lake Monster while he’s taking Utah littorally (so to speak).
A Good, Old-Fashioned Case of the Clap
I've often thought that, with Utah's birth rate, the slogan "Life Elevated" is pretty transparent code for "Lots of Banging." Indeed, Utahns appear to be doing the dirty deed with nary a concern for safety – at least, judging by the STI rate!
Sexually transmitted diseases continue to spread across Utah as the number of positive tests climbs to record rates.
Compared to the five-year average, nearly 600 more people have tested positive for gonorrhea and 700 for chlamydia this year, according to data compiled by the Utah Department of Health.
…now, I would never wish the actual clap upon Willard – I’m just saying that a nice, juicy case of the clap might be something he should investigate (on WebMD, maybe?) when he’s dealing with funding for Planned Parenthood, an organization that works in Utah to, among other things, test for and treat STIs.
Welcome to Utah, Mitt Romney!
I’m sure you’re going to love it. Or, I suppose, you’ll just bounce in a decade to become Governor of Arizona or something.