Salt City Sinner

posted on 5/24/2013 by the Salt City Sinner  It’s 9:17 PM on a sleepy Sunday night in Salt Lake City, UT -- in the avenues, to be precise. It’s a quiet, friendly neighborhood, currently in the process of winding down after another day of civic excellence. It has been warm, but not hot, and a breeze floats through my open bedroom window, gently ruffling my Batman bed sheets. I am on the verge of falling asleep, awash in that meditative state that bleeds into unconsciousness, when I hear my front door open. This is odd since I am A) not expecting visitors and B) pretty certain that I locked it. Before I am fully awake, I see a tall silhouette glide silently into my bedroom, and I hear a voice that I instantly recognize. “Sorry to bother you,” the voice says, “but it’s been a hard few weeks and I needed a kindred spirit to talk to.” Even in a startled and half-dozing state, it’s impossible to mistake Barack Obama, 44th President of these United States of America, for an...

posted on 4/20/2013 by the Salt City Sinner A conspiracy theory without Glenn Beck kicking in his two cents is like a kiss without whiskers as the saying goes (or is it a soup without salt?). Joining the illustrious ranks of such deep thinkers as Alex Jones, Beck is now convinced that the official story on the Boston bombings is so much flim-flam and hocus-pocus. Like a newly hatched baby turtle’s irrepressible urge to seek the sea, or a flower’s instinctual strain for the light of the sun, Beck’s internet vanity press, The Blaze, is inevitably advancing the theory that all this Boston carnage has something to do with Benghazi. “Huh?” you say. Well, that’s not really a word, mister, but I’m willing to forgive it in this case because, seriously, huh? It’s not necessarily surprising that Beck’s first and most authentic reaction to the tragedy in Boston was to   use it  to   sell gold  . Glenndolf Beckler is, after all, a good capitalist, although his theory ...

posted on 4/19/2013 by the Salt City Sinner Bombings in Boston. A man with loaded weapons on the White House grounds. Poisoned letters. A massive explosion in Texas. It has been the kind of week that makes you feel like it’s quite possible you’ve simply gone insane; that some fantastic machinery cooked up in the architecture of your sleeping brain must have lumbered into your waking life. Surely none of it is real, right? A lot of Americans (and I’m including myself here) are incredibly poorly equipped to deal with the brutal and unpleasant nature of the world that we have, in part, helped to make the way it is. It’s worth noting that the entire country has apparently lost its collective mind over the attacks in Boston that killed three and horribly injured dozens, but that on that same day in Iraq, a string of bombs in Baghdad killed 55 people and injured countless more. Obviously any connection between the two – Boston and Baghdad – only exists (if at all) in a tenuous and...

posted on 4/17/2013 by the Salt City Sinner ( Editor's Note : It goes without saying that what happened in Boston on Monday is horrific. Three deaths, countless injuries -- what motivated the attacker or attackers is not important. What is important is that we keep the people of Boston in our thoughts.) As I'm fond of saying, "there is no bottom floor in hell." Loosely translated, what I mean by that is that there is no situation in which conditions can't get worse, no level of stupidity that can't get dumber, no plumbed depth that won't look like a dip in a puddle compared to some inevitable later excursion into the watery abyss of crazy. With that in mind, I'd like to say a few words tangentially related to Monday's bombings in Boston, with a massive caveat: there's not much to say, really, about the bombings themselves other than "that is awful" and "nobody knows yet what the h*ck is going on." So this is less about...

posted 11/6/2012 by the Salt City Sinner It's getting to be the cold season, here in the City of Salt. When you are confined in your individual cell or oubliette here in the vast subterranean Prison State of Deseret, your own wails, your clotted coughs, your sniffles and cries - it makes you feel alone, all alone with the pain in your chilled finger-tips as you attempt to heat a tin of Kitty-Feed over a stub of candle in the darkness. It's only when you venture out onto the stairwell that the symphony of agony makes sense, that the muffled wails of your neighbors combine into a sort of orchestra of suffering, a community unaware of itself. On this, the Holiest of Nights at Salt City Sinner, two things are becoming increasingly apparent. First, that the Kenyan Usurper, B. Hussein "Barry Soetoro" Marshall-Davis, may well slink like the Beast back into Bethlehem / Washington D.C. Alestair Crowley had some nerve calling himself the Beast - obviously, Bam-Bam...

posted 10/23/2012  by the Salt City Sinner Greetings, wage slaves! If there are two things I love (there are a lot more than two things I love), they are breakfast and science fiction. In this very special edition of Salt City Sinner we will examine a few slightly more (or less) esoteric science fiction television programs in terms of what breakfast they represent. What were my criteria for picking this show instead of that? Don't ask any damned questions, just roll with it, and feel free to comment. First up! nice LaserDisc you have there Series: Any Star Trek Pros: Functioning positive example of Socialist government (oh wait, all of Europe before the Eurozone crisis also qualified/s) Cons: Ferengi ear-sex is mad creepy Breakfast: Two eggs fried over easy with bacon and white toast. Reliable, sensible, old-school. Series:  Any Star Wars Pros:  Seriously awesome set design and internal cohesion (pre-prequels) Cons: George Lucas Breakfast: ...

posted 10/5/2012 by the Salt City Sinner Greetings, sheeple, from my stronghold high atop the Wells Fargo Building in downtown Salt City, where I type this before a massive, glowing bank of monitors that display the ongoing progress of my 23-point plan for complete social control. Whether you want to demonize me as a "liberal," or prefer the Glenn Beck update "progressive," we all know the truth, and it's time to pull the curtain aside: like all left-leaning persons, I am actually a member of the Illuminati. How else to explain how much power my side of the aisle wields in U.S. American politics? According to conservatives, liberals/the Illuminati control the media * , science * , academia in general * , public schools * , public radio * , pretty much anything "public," the courts * , and Hollywood * . Hell, we pretty much control everything except for scrappy, underdog operations like WND and Fox News, or quiet, marginalized voices like...

posted 8/17/2012 by the Salt City Sinner For the first time in the history of this blog I would like to reproduce, in its (almost) entirety, an essay. Thomas Frank, "Compromising Positions:" Let us review. Barack Obama, who was lifted to the presidency four years ago on a great wave of progressive fantasy, likes to say that hte national budget is like a family budget: that when times are tough, government has to tighten its belt. This is a Republican simile of very long standing, and the president is a Democrat. He is in fact the leader of the party that is supposed to believe in deficit spending during hard times. Yet Obama has enthusiastically adopted the belt-tightening trope, and all the terrible ideas that go with it.  Another thing the president likes to say - or liked to say, back in the days when his administration was new and "hope" hadn't started to stink yet was that "we should be looking forward and not backwards." More recently, h...