Salt City Sinner

Posted on 3/18/2014 by the Salt City Sinner Salutations, brothers and sisters! As you may have heard , Mia Love has officially filed her papers to run for Utah's Fourth Congressional District in a bid to replace Jim Matheson, who will not be seeking re-election to an eighth ( ! ) term. Love is the former mayor of Saratoga Springs, and rose to national attention when she tossed some red meat to the good folks at the 2012 Republican National Convention. That same year, she ran against Matheson for his seat in the 4th and narrowly lost. In the past, Salt City Sinner has outlined her thoughtful and very sane budget plan, and even endorsed her for Salt Mine Grand Vizier, so it was not entirely a surprise when one of Love's staffers – writing under the nomme de faux MakerNotTaker1776 – leaked an advance copy of four action items Love intends to immediately pursue upon election (in appreciation for this HOT HOT HOT tip, Salt City Sinner has buried a payment of US $1,000 – in ...

posted on 1/6/2014 by the Salt City Sinner, with significant contributions from Ørn Hansen Hey there ho there, citizen, do you have anything to fear but fear itself? NO? Think harder before you answer. Fear is an industry these days, and to refuse to buy any at all is to raise a skinny fist against Industry itself! Aren't you afraid of terrorists? Aren't you afraid of kids these days, what with their droogs and their moloko vellocet and their anti-sex leagues and their Jesus camps? One thing that you are surely concerned about is the rogue weirdo, the guy who *isn't quite right*, you know, the guy, THAT guy, the you-think possibly one-day armed maybe office shooter? Well you can look Officer Friendly in the face(plate) and ask “am I safe?” and he will grip his riot gear tighter to himself and answer “No.” Then he'll squint at you and growl "wait, you aren't 'safe,' are you?!" and kneel on your throat until he can zip-tie you until subm...

posted on x by the Salt City Sinner By now, most of you will have heard that I will not be finishing the remainder of this year as your Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. Because a number of most hurtful and unseemly rumours have been heard circulating amongst my students, I have kindly been allowed to issue the following clarifications. You WILL still be expected to pass the extemporaneous written examination on “Contract Law In Norse Mythology And The Origins Of Complex Fraud And Trickster Gods” (I suggest you refer to your notes from class throughout May for the purposes of this exercise -- a three page essay should suffice here) . The same does not hold true for my one-day lecture on “Faustian Bargains In Goethe And Marlowe,” however, which has been redacted in its entirety. You are required to find and turn in your notes from this lecture. You will still be expected to perform two simple and one complex banishment(s) to pass your OWLS. Any lecture n...

posted on 12/23/2013 by the Salt City Sinner On Friday, U.S. District Judge Robert Shelby struck down the anti-gay-marriage amendment that Utahns passed by a large majority in 2004, effectively legalizing same-sex marriage in Utah.  The ensuing flurry of activity befits the Beehive State, whose word is "industry," after all. Same-sex couples immediately began snagging their marriage licenses and tying the knot by the hundreds, with some even waiting overnight on Sunday to get their licenses when offices opened this morning. Predictably, Gary Herbert, our dour, doughy Governor, released a flotilla of legal maneuvers, all of which have failed as of the afternoon of December 23 rd , the day before the day before the holiest day of conservative Christian pouting, indignation, and public piety.  Perhaps the most interesting wrinkle in these proceedings has been the decision of some county clerks – indeed, some counties in their entirety – to flat-o...

posted on 12/4/2013 by the Salt City Sinner Bored on a snowy day? Pestered by persistent political perfidy? Looking to limber up your worldview or sprout a proud rack of plenti-pointed paranoias? I have just the fun time activity for you! Think of this post as “interactive” in the sense of a Choose Your Own Adventure book or a dice-and-paper role playing game. Indeed, you will need dice to play this game, which we'll call “Could It Be Or Couldn't It.” CIBOCI will require two six-sided die (or 2d6), the type you can find in any Yahtzee box or dusty old Monopoly set. In a pinch, one could theoretically use the fuzzy dice from one's rear-view mirror, as long as they roll and have six sides. warning: there is a not inconsequential risk this may happen All righty, at this preliminary stage we must separate the goats from the lambs, so to speak, so CHOOSE YOUR OWN INTRODUCTORY SECTION. Those of you who are rational/material types, or purely in this for The Chuckles, g...

a guest post on 11/14/13 by Joseph Farah, founder, editor, CEO and Grand Wizard of WND ( EDITOR'S NOTE : as should be obvious to most semi-sentient hominids, this is a work of satire. Since Joseph Farah, however, does not understand satire, and has a   history  of suing people -- for Freedom -- this disclaimer is sadly necessary. Mr. Farah was good enough to bring his own hot, scurrying intestinal cargo of ads, for which Salt City Sinner will receive nothing, because we are godless Communists. With no further exposition, we present the very first Salt City Sinner guest post, from the Reveren Doctor Joseph Farah, Newsman, Esq.) I don't know about you, but Freedom makes me frisky. Unless it's the wrong type of Freedom. I don't like that, and we didn't like that back when life was simpler, better. I'm not talking about the "freedom" peddled today, which is to say the kind the homos, weirdos, and Muslims want. Every single morning when the...

posted on 10/30/2013 by the Salt City Sinner  Happy Devil's Night and preemptive Halloween, ye servants of darkness! It is by this point quite apparent, I would think, that I have a low-grade obsession with Joseph Farah's WND (formerly “WorldNetDaily”), which I think is probably the most insane right-wing website on planet Earth – certainly the most insane site that generates such a volume of traffic, anyway. It's impossible to know how many WND readers are there looking for their version of legitimate “news” and how many are, like me, lookie-loos attracted to the most ghastly political freak-show this side of Alex Jones, but the numbers are pretty impressive (1.680 in traffic worldwide, 454 in the US, according to Alexa ). Lest you think this is just a depressing measure of the size of the proverbial fever swamps, it's worth noting WND's email list has been purchased by the Republican National Committee for outreach efforts in the past. This lends Farah...