Monday, 2 April 2012

BREAKING: Editors of Save World From Disaster On 12/23/12

Summer is ebullient, bouncy fancy and free. Her long legs, designer stockings and Jimmy Choos compete with the brightness of the day. Butterflies rise and circle around her. Bees drone lazily in the spring blossoms.

Summer DiVino, fresh from her FBI retraining seminar, described as a “Clarification on FISA Title 3 Monitoring” is all smiles. To hear Summer tell it, the Seminar was little more than a “Summer Retreat”. She was “invited” to attend the Seminar after her botched attempts to establish a romantic relationship with Yasser Affifi came to the attention of her FBI superiors. 

Director Mueller himself called her on the carpet to scream “it's all your fault!” following the Supreme Court's unanimous decision on January 23, 2012 that Summer violated the Constitution when she attached a GPS tracking device to the rear of Affifi's vehicle without first obtaining a search warrant. 

 Summer responded in her usual assertive style “who do you think you are to tell me who and who I can't electronically track? This is my suspect! My house! Besides we were told that we could 'bend or suspend' in our pursuit of legitimate targets, Director Mueller, or have you forgotten that?!" 

Sources that cannot be totally relied upon report that the meeting nearly ended in blows and that Mueller, in the end, with the help of several beefy male agents had to physically eject Summer DiVino from his office. 

The incident received a great deal of attention and it was eventually decided that several agents, including Summer, would be brought in for additional training to clear up any misconceptions about the so called Title 3 Monitoring. Summer assures me that the Seminar was more about confirming the Bureau's continuing commitment to their long held stereotypes regarding foreign nationals. 

 “Never shake hands with Asians” she unabashedly and suddenly tells me. I'm nonplussed. She goes on to tell me, “We basically Tasered each other, blew spitballs and photocopied our asses the whole time”

We're back in SLC now where Summer has been assigned to head the Salt Lake Field Office's Secure Compartmented Information Facility.

It's a very important assignment,” she assures me. “They brought me in to beef up security and to insure the integrity of their classified documents which have been pouring out of the office like so much confetti.”

Summer is in the driver's seat of her Hummer eating a chili dog over a couple of files marked “CONFIDENTIAL” and “CLASSIFIED”. I look down to her lap and notice the chili from her snack has dripped over one of the files.

I point this out to her and she grimaces, then wordlessly exits the Hummer, and drops the file into a nearby trash receptacle. She mutters as she re-enters the Hummer and I can barely make out her saying “Well, that file is corrupted completely."

Did you just throw a classified file into a public trash receptacle?” I ask her.

Her face contorts and I immediately know that once again, I've been uncool.

That's not cool, Gerald! Keep your voice down! For God's sake that was a totally classified file I just threw away and you want to announce it to the entire world? What are you, some kind of idiot?”, she screams.

I admit I'm not much into cloak and dagger, but around Summer DiVino I'm quickly becoming familiar with the ins and outs of American intelligence and law enforcement methods.

Summer DiVino's training Seminar and her subsequent reassignment to the Salt Lake Field Office are not the focus of this story however. It turns out that, while at their retreat in Quantico, Summer and several of her fellow agents learned of an impending extinction level event. To hear Summer tell it, the FBI (aka the FIB) Lab in Quantico was able to determine that on or about December 23, 2012 of this year a huge methane bubble containing a small amount of hydrogen sulfide gasses and mercaptans was set to erupt from the Alaskan Tundra which would eventually envelope the world and destroy its oxygen based atmosphere. Summer further explained that a mixture of polydimethylsiloxane and hydrated silica gel could be used to create simethicone, an anti-foaming agent that decreases the surface tension of gas bubbles, which, theoretically, would cause them to combine into larger bubbles in the atmosphere, which will, in turn, help them pass more easily into outer space.

After furious negotiations between Crazypolitico's Editorial Staff and world leaders, and with the help of former President Bush and Dick Cheney, the FBI and Dow-Corning were able to secure and sprinkle the polydimethylsiloxane and hydrated silica gel over large tracts of the Alaskan tundra using Chinook helicopteres and other specialized firefighting aircraft. Basically, as Summer puts it “we saved the world from what would have been certain destruction on 12/23/12.”

Summer points an erudite, condescending and didactic finger towards the Hummer's ceiling as she explains that while the Mayans knew that the end of world would occur at the end of this year, they failed to chronicle that humanity's final extinction would occur as the result of reckless and rude flatulence.

She goes on to assure me “...and don't think you didn't play a significant role in finding both the problem and it's ultimate solution, Gerald. The first time I smelled one of your lame ass farts I thought I would die and that got me to thinking about what would happen in the event of a global methane issue and that's when I approached the FBI's Quantico lab to discuss the possibility of such a catastrophe.”

It is indeed an honor to consider the key role I played in preventing earth's imminent destruction! Each, of us, in our own small way.

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