Salt City Sinner

posted on 7/4/2015 by the Salt City Sinner Well, look at THAT!  Salt City Sinner has racked up 500 posts! Despite work stoppages created by tense relations between labor and management (in other words I'm sometimes lazy and filled with self-loathing), this thing has kept creaking along, more or less steering itself, for far longer than I ever expected it to, and probably far longer than is sane or healthy. To celebrate 500 posts' worth of sometimes entertaining, often obscenity-laced nonsense and balderdash, the following selections have been hand picked, quality controlled, and partially digested before being regurgitated for your perusal and/or delectation. Please enjoy responsibly! A Combat Of Cocks "Lord Dickens Smallwood was Warden of the Short Tower, a stub of a man only as tall as he was wide, and given to agitated frothing at the slightest provocation. He dug his thighs into his mount and pulled up short before a banner bearing the sigil of his ...

posted on 4/3/2015 by the Salt City Sinner On this Good Friday, as some celebrate through self-flagellation and others prepare for a Holy Saturday vigil or navigate the stations of the cross , lo, we have rolled away the stone that sealed the tomb where good, moral people everywhere hoped this bloggue would remain trapped forever. Wouldn't you know it, a miracle! The tomb is empty, and the glorious resurrection of Salt City Sinner has occurred! (Ignore the carefully dug and concealed trap door, spider hole, and escape tunnel – they have nothing to do with this Easter Miracle) As Salt Lake slouches inexorably toward the magical Saturday evening when the Easter Jesus creeps through the homes and yards of good Christian boys and girls to lay chocolate eggs that bring them delight and laughter, we bring you a sneak preview of what you can expect in the coming weeks from your favorite half-funny hellbound heathens. Coming Soon They Paved Paradise OR How I Learned ...

posted 2/1/2013 by the Salt City Sinner and his fancy new cyborg components I suppose that karma gets everyone in the end - or, in my case, the femur. You see, I spent a few days last week p!ssing gleefully into Aaron Klein's upturned choirboy face ( splish   splash ). I never once feared the wrath of his mighty god YWHW. It appears that by picking on little Aaron, unfortunately, I incurred the... "displeasure," let's say... of at least one-third of the award-winning trio act Pops, Junior, and Spooky G (I've always been more of a Salt-n-Pepa fan myself). Yea, verily, it was Sunday night - the Lord's night! - and a vicious snowstorm was pounding Salt Lake City like a prize burro in a miniskirt at a Kentucky county fair. Thick drifts of snowflakes swept down from a pencil-gray sky, and like a good citizen, I was helping my beloved mother shovel the driveway at her place in Sugar House. Both my Sainted Ma and I were bundled up so thoroughly that only a ...

posted 1/19/2013 by the Salt City Sinner SWEET JIGGLING JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH! Has it really been THREE MONTHS since I dusted off my best pair of novelty devil horns and updated this sumbitch? It would appear so . Many thanks to ViewFinder for holding down the fort in my absence, and keeping our loyal audience of homeless shamans who live under a bridge and connect to the internet with their minds (both of them) up to date on police brutality and weird dreams . She is a gem. "So, f*ckface, where have you been?" you probably don't wonder. It is a strange and horrible tale. You see, one chilly evening in late November, I was abducted by a small but loyal group of cultists, devotees of the almost-forgotten Slavic "black god" Czernobog . specializes in curses, bad luck, bloodshed The tortures I was subjected to were both unspeakable and strangely erotic. Only this week did I manage to escape by whittling a crude key to my enclosure out of the...

posted 5/18/2012 by the Salt City Sinner With so much fomenting and "journalism" and whatnot flying back and forth at this blog (or, as my good friend and confidant has coined it in a much more continental way, "bloggue") sometimes I forget the little things. It would be my pleasure and delight to take our few readers who have internet access in shantytowns and under the freeway on a brief tour of Salt City Sinner headquarters. We have a totally legitimate place of business, easily accessible by the front door. Well, "accessible" might not be the right word. To open the front door of our fallout shelter cum information center, you have to have a key. In particular, a nine-pound iron key that fits this lock: I admit, in terms of administrative overhead, having cast-iron nine pound keys forged is a bit of a bear, which explains the limited cast of characters you see here. Each day on my way to my legitimate job, I have to remove my Guy Fawkes...

Please join me in welcoming yet another contributor to our modest little enclave here at Salt City Sinner. Starting this evening or tomorrow, Coal Country Communitarian will be providing valuable insights, hilarious anecdotes, insight from Appalachia, and clown jokes. No, actually, clown jokes are strictly my department. AND MINE ALONE, DO YOU HEAR ME CONTRIBUTORS?!

As I've noted in a few recent updates ( here  and   here  ), our little Salt City Sinner family is slowly but surely expanding. To that end, I would like to welcome a new guest poster / author, Mr. Gerald Long of Crazypoliticos , which is incidentally a great blog that is a fun and zesty read. Gerald is a pleasant-natured, intelligent fellow whom it isn't wise to piss off or wander into the cross-hairs of, because he is also quite an astute and natural dirt-digger . Gerald is also a long-time patron and supporter of the One World Cafe , which has been experiencing financial problems of late, and in fact has been talking to me for a month or longer about ways in which #OccupySLC or other local groups could support One World. He also was basically one of the first five people to get the memo about One World temporarily closing, although ViewFinder was the first one to post about it here . The esteemed Mr. Long will (from what I gather) still maintain his blog at C...

Although I did not give ViewFinder the welcome that I gave Law Nerd (and that is entirely to my discredit, frankly) you may have noticed that we have added another Soul for Satan here at Salt City Sinner. Welcome, ViewFinder, talented photographer and fellow un-indicted co-conspirator and worshiper at the communist pinko altar of #OccupySLC . You may have noticed a certain absence lately - ha, no, I'm not that deluded. It has been a little while since I posted. Part of this is due to my new awesome stressful job, and part of it is due to the fact that I now have two talented friends who will be sharing this space with me. Thank you, Law Nerd, and thank you, ViewFinder for being fellow posters. In all of my future sleepless nights (if the going trend is any indication) I can lie back assured and imagine the USS Salt City Sinner, creaking majestically along in the night , a ghost ship with a happy ghost family of a ghost crew. Yes, we will float magically through the ni...

As of tomorrow (probably) the lovely and brilliant Nicole will be joining us here at Salt City Sinner. She is a former Alaskan! Also a former Utahn, and a current Vermonter (Vermonteer? that honestly sounds cooler). Most importantly, her sharp and delightful mind is steeped in THE LAW. Nicole will be bringing some legal analysis to our rantings and ramblings here at Salt City Sinner. P Please, tomorrow, as you battle your gorge to keep your coffee down and try to accept that Donald Trump is actually a real human being with real power... ...and influence but  also at the same time a professional clown who wears funny makeup on TV - as you try to wrap your head around this like a greasy newspaper around a stale fish, take some time to welcome Nicole.

Since Blogger's most recent renovations, I experienced what people call a "learning curve" (apparently) when it comes to properly formatting my posts. I have cracked the code now, and can actually make semi-legible posts with my crude amalgamation of Soviet-era spare parts and illegal, EPA-defying coal powered circuitry. If I get sufficiently lazy (read: have enough time) I will go back and prettify the posts that have sucked and been ugly and picked last for kickball recently, but don't hold your breath. NOTE: This does not effect current or future blogs. I will continue to post like my generative organs are caught in a wringer. Retconning my old posts, however, might take a little while. Spasibo tovarish. UPDATE: I am not an angry man, but suffice to say that the two or three posts that look wonky are staying wonky. The heck with it (as my fellow Utahns might say).