"Pyromania" Ain't Just A Def Leppard Album

I have to say, I have a love/hate relationship with fireworks (unlike my relationship with the Fourth, which is strictly platonic love, although the Fourth and I might make out once or twice over the long summer evenings behind the bandstand). Scratch that - my relationship with fireworks is all love, but my relationship with idiots using them is all hate.

This mostly stems from an incident when I lived in Tulsa, OK. There, a group of dirty feral children thought it was good fun to light off bottle rockets from an empty Big Gulp container. This allowed them to sort of crudely "aim" the bottle rockets, predominantly at my friends and I, who were trying to enjoy some Ground Bloomers, Whistling Petes and Keystones Light nearby.

Anyway, feral Okies aside, this is an exciting year for Utah - we are now allowed to use big-boy fireworks.

I was very excited to hear this, because there is a directly proportional relationship between my love of something and its capacity to go "Kaboom."

Unfortunately two things have very quickly become apparent to me: first, that I am broke and festive high explosives are expensive, and subsequently, that the areas in which you can legally let one of these suckers off are actually pretty limited.

Oh well. I have a BBQ to attend on Saturday, and I'm sure that Monday night I'll try to stay up late enough to watch some of the professional stuff. I get a childish thrill out of fireworks displays, amateur or professional, and it's good that my annual night of pyromania has come around again. Happy Early Fourth, y'all.

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Apparently, Liberals Are The Illuminati

posted 10/5/2012 by the Salt City Sinner Greetings, sheeple, from my stronghold high atop the Wells Fargo Building in downtown Salt City, where I type this before a massive, glowing bank of monitors that display the ongoing progress of my 23-point plan for complete social control. Whether you want to demonize me as a "liberal," or prefer the Glenn Beck update "progressive," we all know the truth, and it's time to pull the curtain aside: like all left-leaning persons, I am actually a member of the Illuminati. How else to explain how much power my side of the aisle wields in U.S. American politics? According to conservatives, liberals/the Illuminati control the media * , science * , academia in general * , public schools * , public radio * , pretty much anything "public," the courts * , and Hollywood * . Hell, we pretty much control everything except for scrappy, underdog operations like WND and Fox News, or quiet, marginalized voices like...

Where (Else) to Find My Writing

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A Sinner's History of Utah: The Commercial Street Red Light District

posted on 8/12/2015 by the Salt City Sinner I moved from Utah to the American South as a teenager, and pretty quickly learned that if you hail from the Beehive State, there are a series of extremely dumb questions you will be asked when people first meet you that would not be asked of someone from, say, South Dakota or Maine. “Are you Mormon?” is obviously the first one – and a pretty reasonable question, all things considered. That is usually followed up with some sort of question about polygamy, however, which is lazy and ignorant and gets old remarkably quickly. Sometimes I would be asked if one can buy alcohol in Utah. This is, again, a not entirely unreasonable thing to ask, especially since many of these interactions took place back in the days of private clubs and membership cards – but it did strike me as a little silly given that I was often asked about Utah and booze while going to college in Conway, Arkansas, which is a town located in a dry county where sales ...

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