The Turkening: Part Two

posted on 11/21/2019 by the Salt City Sinner

 So you’ve made gravy and cranberries, and pre-made your stuffing, you say? Well, hot diggity dog! You’re almost home free! To get you even closer, today we address a subject of vital national concern and existential import; pies.

Now, your traditional Thanksgiving pie is (obviously) pumpkin. While pumpkin is literally my least favorite pie, I am selfless and enlightened enough to acknowledge that if you dummies want pumpkin pie, it should at least be halfway decent. AND I insist that I get an apple pie out of the whole affair. Thus, let’s start by talking crust.

A home-made crust is not as hard to make as you might think. Start with 2.5 cups of all-purpose flour and 1 teaspoon of salt. Add 2 tablespoons sugar and x. Mix your dry pie crust components thoroughly and then cut in 12 tablespoons of chilled butter using two butter knives like so:

Then cut in 8 tablespoons of chilled vegetable shortening. Fold in 3 tablespoons of cold water and 3 tablespoons of vodka (I recommend a local one, such as Five Wives). Now roll that bad boy out using a rolling pin (I’ve used a water glass as a rolling pin in a pinch, but using an actual rolling pin is pretty helpful). Cut into a round and pleasing pie shape. Now grab your pie tin and drape carefully, pressing the edges with your finger until you’ve got something that looks like this:

You’ll need one of them for each bottom and one for each top crust for your pies (so: one per each pumpkin, and two per each apple). Now on to the filling!

Pumpkin pie is easy, as it requires no peeling, coring, or slicing! Take one big-ass can of “100% pure pumpkin.” (Is it really pumpkin? Well…) Add 4 tablespoons molasses, 1.5 cups sugar, 1 teaspoon ginger, 2 teaspoons cinnamon, 1 teaspoon salt, 2 tablespoons flour, 4 eggs, and 3 cups milk. Now fill your pie crusts like so:

…and bake at 400 for 10 minutes, then 350 for 50 more minutes. Look what a good job you did!

Apple pie is delicious, and one of my top-three desserts, along with some of its cousins from the cobbler community. It does, however, involve peeling, coring, and slicing apples. Three medium Granny Smiths and four medium Macintosh, to be specific. Add three cups of cranberries. Now add 1 cup of sugar, 1.5 tablespoons juice and a teaspoon zest from a lemon, .25 teaspoon salt, .25 teaspoons ground nutmeg, .25 teaspoon ground cinnamon, and .0625 (1/16) teaspoon allspice.

Now fill your bottom crust, add your top crust, and brush with one whipped egg white. In it goes at 400 degrees for 25 minutes, then at 350 for 35 minutes:

…and out it comes, looking quite delectable:

 Way to go, you baker, you maker of pies! Stuffing, gravy, cranberries, pies…. You should be breathing easy! Maybe next year I will share the esoteric secrets of turkey preparation, but this year, I’d like to close by saying that “Thanksgiving” is not an unadulterated good as a holiday. It’s a complicated holiday, and an occasion that some indigenous communities greet with mourning rather than celebration.

Just as more municipalities and persons (including myself) celebrate Indigenous Peoples' Day rather than “Columbus Day,” I think it’s important that we reflect on the impact that European contact had on the native peoples of the Americas.

Happy Harvest, and I hope you and yours take the occasion to enjoy each other’s company along with some mouth-watering pie!