Monday, 8 October 2012

Apparently, Liberals Are The Illuminati

posted 10/5/2012 by the Salt City Sinner

Greetings, sheeple, from my stronghold high atop the Wells Fargo Building in downtown Salt City, where I type this before a massive, glowing bank of monitors that display the ongoing progress of my 23-point plan for complete social control.

Whether you want to demonize me as a "liberal," or prefer the Glenn Beck update "progressive," we all know the truth, and it's time to pull the curtain aside: like all left-leaning persons, I am actually a member of the Illuminati.

How else to explain how much power my side of the aisle wields in U.S. American politics?

According to conservatives, liberals/the Illuminati control the media *, science *, academia in general *, public schools *, public radio *, pretty much anything "public," the courts *, and Hollywood *. Hell, we pretty much control everything except for scrappy, underdog operations like WND and Fox News, or quiet, marginalized voices like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Monica Crowley, Michael Medved, Laura Ingraham, Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, et. al.

This year, my fellow Illuminates and I have taken control of two more institutions vital to the 2012 presidential elections: polls and fact checkers.

Quoth :

Right now voters are living in two very different realities when it comes to the presidential race. One world is supported by the polls of every major polling outfit, including Gallup, Rasmussen Reports, Fox News, NBC/Wall Street Journal, CNN/Opinion Research Survey USA, Public Policy Polling, Purple Strategies, and CBS News/New York Times. The other world, supported by many conservatives and pundits like Dick Morris, believe that Romney is actually winning despite all the polling outfits above that report to the contrary. 
The disbelief about the current set of polls, which now unanimously show Obama ahead in the key swing states, has created something called the "skewed polls" mentality. The disbelievers have convinced themselves that every poll is "skewed" because it oversamples Democrats, or does not count nearly every undecided voter for Mitt Romney, or maybe even because there is a conspiracy from the left to make it seem like Mitt Romney is losing when he is not.
AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! Opinion polls now belong to the Illuminati, you wretched patriots! Just try to stop us!

Mothra larvae and inexplicable CNN employee Erick Erickson has news for you as well:

The fact checkers are not checking facts, they are spinning. And the media, which is no longer respected by the American people, has abdicated the fact-checking role it consistently refused to do to a group it created. The media's fact checkers are propped up as arbiters of truth when they just still promote the media's own bullcrap, just this time with a "truth" label stuck on it.

I have no doubt that most Americans don't trust "the media" (what "the media" is, exactly, is a very heavy question for another day). That this distrust has something to do with a decline in relative objectivity, I's willing to say maybe. That this decline in trust has been accelerated by constant whining from the right about "the liberal media," then "the mainstream media," then "the lamestream media," then "the drive-by media" (thanks Rush!) I have no doubt.

So, patriots, here's the deal: you lose (according to you) and we win. We control everything. We are everywhere. We have put fluoride in your tap water and are getting ready to put the Mark of the Beast (in the form of an RFID chip) in your flesh.

Just give up quietly, and maybe we can cut you some slack in the homosexual New Black Panther Party re-education FEMA camps. Honestly, it's the best you can hope for.


  1. thanks charles. i love your 'spin' on this situation ^_^
    - noel truman


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