Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Ladies And Gentlemen, Alex Jones

posted on 4/17/2013 by the Salt City Sinner

(Editor's Note: It goes without saying that what happened in Boston on Monday is horrific. Three deaths, countless injuries -- what motivated the attacker or attackers is not important. What is important is that we keep the people of Boston in our thoughts.)

As I'm fond of saying, "there is no bottom floor in hell." Loosely translated, what I mean by that is that there is no situation in which conditions can't get worse, no level of stupidity that can't get dumber, no plumbed depth that won't look like a dip in a puddle compared to some inevitable later excursion into the watery abyss of crazy.

With that in mind, I'd like to say a few words tangentially related to Monday's bombings in Boston, with a massive caveat: there's not much to say, really, about the bombings themselves other than "that is awful" and "nobody knows yet what the h*ck is going on." So this is less about Boston, really, than it is about the lack of empathy that some people demonstrate and the self-involved, narcissistic and paranoid worldview that seems to be spreading among some of our friends and neighbors in America like a particularly frisky STD.

left-wing, right-wing, chicken wing

Gawker has an excellent round-up of the more flamboyant conspiracy brain-fevers that erupted shortly after some lunatic blew up the Boston marathon  here . Wonkette has excellent, hilarious coverage of the jackasses who eagerly politicized the tragedy before blood had even dried on the pavement  here . My own reactions to reactions to Boston (meta-reactions?) have fallen into two rough categories.

First, Monday marked the day that I un-subscribed from WND's mailing list, and the end of my romance with that site and -- especially -- their commentariat. I've had a great time reading WND to gauge exactly how bugf*ck crazy the rightmost segment of America's political halfwits are, but no more. WND has graduated from "insane enough to be entertaining and provide bloggue fodder" to "everybody out of the pool" country -- but that's a post for another day.

Second, Alex Jones, oh my h*ck you guys!!

speak loudly and carry a big bullhorn (so you can speak even MORE loudly)
Here's Alex Jones in a (wing)nutshell: he's a loud, manic, sneering maniac with a very popular radio show based out of Austin, Texas. He's hardcore, praise-Jesus-and-pass-the-Thorazine level convinced that a sinister, all-powerful cabal of "globalists" is coming for your guns, your corn-dogs and sugary soda pop, and probably your Ron Paul Memorial Solid Gold Funn Koins.

He tries as hard as he possibly can to be the stupid man's Bill Hicks, but fails miserably, because: A.) Bill Hicks was funny -- extremely funny! -- and B.) when Bill Hicks waxed paranoid about conspiracies and society's obliviousness, it was interesting and provocative.

Alex Jones is significantly less funny than my  aspartame-shriveled  testicles, and about as interesting as  a damp twig -- albeit a twig with its precious bodily fluids intact.


Jones was first off the nutwagon, tweeting a record-setting 30 minutes after the tragedy in Boston that "this thing stinks to high heaven." He's  since  been  beating  his little toy  drum  with characteristic maniacal abandon, making an assortment of entertaining and evidence-free claims.

You've got to give Jones credit. He and his team quickly grasped the brass ring of lunacy regarding reactions to Boston and then, without even pausing for a Krispy Kreme or a cold Co-Cola, have ascended to astonishing new heights of far-fetched conspiracy theory with each passing hour. You don't get that far out into bat country without some serious effort.

According to Alex Jones, the Boston bombings were 1.) first hinted at by an episode of Family Guy a month ago (yes, he really thinks that), 2.) accompanied by bomb-sniffing dogs and Navy SEALs who were suspiciously present before the explosions, 3.) basically announced by personnel who claimed the explosions were "just a drill" at first, and 4.) watched over ominously by a mysterious "figure on a roof."

Leaving aside the fact that Jones has no evidence whatsoever except for a few crackpot "eyewitness claims" to back any of this up, it seems to me that the issue is this: if, as in the colorful fantasies chasing each other around the burned-out ruins of Jones' mind, the world is micro-managed by an all-powerful and invisible elite, you'd think these menacing masterminds would be sharp enough to keep a low profile.

they control my total mind, true fact
Anyway, take my opinion with a grain of salt, because as I have  already proudly  admitted , I am actually a card-carrying member of the Illuminati, trying to lull the gullible, corn-chip-munching cretins of Prison Planet Amerikkka into ignoring the wailing of their portly Cassandra, Mr. Alex Jones.

TAKE THE BLUE PILL AND GO BACK TO SLEEP SHEEPLE

2 comments:

  1. God. Of course he's from Texas. *headdesk* WOULD YOU ASSHOLES GET OUT OF MY HOMESTATE ALREADY?! I WOULD LIKE TO TRAVEL AND NOT HAVE PEOPLE STAND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ELEVATOR WHEN THEY ASK WHERE I'M FROM.

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    1. as far as I'm concerned the fact that Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys came from there (obviously) more than makes up for Jones.

      http://youtu.be/KvX8MijgeW8

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