Five Predictions For 2019

posted on 1/2/2019 by the Salt City Sinner

Hey gang! How was your New Years? Did you have fun getting arrested and beaten and maybe tased until you whizzed yourself and then locked in a box for a few days?

What’s that you say? You dodged Utah’s shiny new .05 DUI law by calling a Lyft after having two drinks rather than chancing it? Well will you have a look at that, I guess the system works!

I did no drinking whatsoever on the dreaded night in question and went to bed at (if I remember correctly) 8 PM, because I am a wild man and a party animal. To me, annual New Year celebrations have all of the bad baggage of a birthday – the march of time, a grim reminder of mortality – with none of the fun. Maybe it’s my temperament, maybe it’s the time of year, I don’t know, but for me it’s just a bummer of a holiday.

That said, the year ahead ought to prove interesting, and so I present to you my five predictions for 2019. Stand back as my listicles descend!

April 1, 2019: Donald Trump Accidentally Resigns

Unfortunately for Trump, orders issued sarcastically are actually still quite binding. He is indicted immediately. Before he can be arrested, however…

Rise of the MAGAts

…a network of die-hard loyalists calling themselves the MAGAts sneak him out of reach of the law. They transport him via a network of RVs out of Washington D.C., and eventually…

We Don’t Send Mexico Our Best

…A coyote successfully smuggles Trump over the US/Mexico border, technically making him an undocumented emigrant. At this point…

Trump Tower Moscow Arrives At Last

…Trump makes his way from Mexico to the Russian Federation. Before 2019 is out, Trump will triumphantly (Trumphantly?) ascend to the penthouse (third story) of his brand new (dilapidated) Trump Tower Moscow (formerly the Moscow Central La Quinta)!

My Final Prediction

As fun as that little story was (not very fun), here’s my serious prediction for 2019: the biggest stories probably aren’t going to be the ones we’re focusing on right now. Things changed quickly in 2018, and they are likely to change even more quickly in 2019. If you want my advice, keep your head on a swivel, and if you can – support investigative journalism.

You can do that in Utah by donating here, or you can donate to the very excellent Reveal podcast from the Center for Investigative Reporting here.

I hope you have a safe, productive, and happy 2019!

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